Cat Laughs

A laugh a day...

Cats can be beautiful, cats can be quite plain. Cats can be big, or they can be small. Cats can be silent, or they can be constantly talking. Cats can be companions, or they can be loners. Cats can be loved, or they can be hated. Cats can be visible, or they can hide. Cats can be demure, and they can be quite silly. If you live with a cat, you know there is never a day when you don't laugh at their antics at least once!

The Kitten's Nursery Tale
What is your cat's month?
Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run
Cat Laws
A Cat's Guide To Human Beings
How to Train a Human Being
Cat Etiquette
Cat Miracle Diet
How To Bathe A Cat - Part I
How to Bathe a Cat - Part II

Cataholics Anonymous
Cat Commandments
A Cat Owner's Prayer
Creation of the Cat - part one
What a kitten can teach you

What all cats know about living the good life...
Which is smarter -- the dog or the cat? (video clip)
Cat jokes

Instructions for giving your cat a pill
Strict, Unbending Rules for Dealing With Stray Cats
How to Photograph a New Kitten

Memo to: The Cats
A Cat's Little Prayer

"Myth"-conceptions about cats
All I Need to Know About Life I Learned From My Cat
Cat TalkTranslations





The Kitten's Nursery Tale

Mother, Mother, tell us of the new countries!

Ah, my beloved ones, you are so young, why do you wish to hear so soon of the new countries?

Tell us Mother, tell us of the new lands where we will go!

I will tell you, my beloved, of the new countries you will live in when you are grown, but you must listen quietly and compose yourselves as I have taught you...

We will, we will, Mother, only tell us how it will be!

Very well then. In the new countries everything will be strange. All smells will be different, and even the food on your plate will be strange, though it looks and smells and tastes just as it did here at home.

Will the Humans be the same, Mother?

No, my beloved, the Humans will be strange too, and will speak with strange voices and touch with strange hands. When you hide, their hands will seek you out and drag you into the light to hold you!

We would be frightened, we would run away!

No, my beloved, these hands will be good too, and you will learn of love from them.

What of the other cats, Mother?

Ah, the other cats will be a mystery and a terror! No, do not hide your faces little ones, for I will tell you how to live in the new country with the other cats, as I have told you before...

Yes, yes, tell us again, Mother, so that we will remember!

Very well then: the other cats will be large, and their smell will be very strange, and they will not welcome you into their land. But you are well brought-up children, and you will remember the lessons I have taught you, so that they will grow to love you as I do.

Tell us what we must do, Mother!

Sit quietly then, and do not interrupt like the rudelings you are! First, as I have told you, you must find the oldest cat in the new land, and you must go to this cat and bow, and tell him your name. The oldest cat will pretend that he has not heard such an insignificant creature, and perhaps he will yawn and show you that he is nearly blind, and has few teeth, and has no interest in the creatures of the floor. When this time comes, I know that you will remember to jump on the oldest cat, and chase him when he goes to his litter tray, and sit in his warm place when he goes to eat This is the way of all cats, and has always been the way.

Then you must find the Queen of the house, for she is the mother of that land, and she is the cat MOST TO BE FEARED. This Queen will be elevated above other cats, and when she strikes, her claws will be bared, and your soft fur will not be proof against her anger. When you come to the Queen, you must bow down, and become as small as the lowest rodent, and you must submit to her in all things before you jump on her from a great height. If the Queen has babes then you will hiss and teach them to respect you, but be wary, for the Queen will chase you from her room every time you enter, and punish you for your presumption!

Are you the Queen of this country, Mother?

Yes my children, I am. But hush now and learn your lessons.

Then you must find the subjects of the Queen, and you must run with all your speed and all your might right up to the face of each of these cats: do not stop until your nose touches their nose, and then you must jump with all your might high in the air and then run with all your speed to your safe place that you have found, where the Queen and her subjects cannot reach you because they are too large. From there you must hiss and growl and spit (yes, my child, just like that) and tell them of your fury and your courage before the greatest monsters, and show them how large you can grow when you puff your silky coat and gorgeous tail. When they have tired of your courage, and left you to yourself, then you may emerge and go in search of toys and new entertainments, and there will be many of these in the land that has not yet known your touch.

Be wary of china ornaments, they do not topple as easily as you might imagine, and will require determination if you are to accomplish their complete destruction. Always remember that there must always be another cat in the room at the time of your toppling, or you will invite the wrath of the Humans. If you are scolded, purr and roll over and all will be forgiven. If you wish for love or for food, show the Humans your beautiful eyes and your dainty paws, and they will pity you and do your bidding. When the subjects of the Queen chase you in front of the Humans, lie pathetically on the floor, and cower as if you are in fear of your life, and the Humans will sweep you into their arms and speak with anger to the cats of that country.

Remember that no height is too high, no shelf or ledge too narrow, and no depth too low, or too wet for your dainty paws. All parts of the new land are for you to explore and taste, and this will be expected of you from your earliest days.

When the cats of the new land have ceased their first anger against you, you must teach them to respect you by jumping on them from a great height. BUT beware the young Prince of the house, as he will not be afraid, and when you jump on him he will turn and PLAY WITH YOU. No, my beloved, this is not the play of brother and sister in the nursery, this is the play such as that of a cat with its prey. He is the largest cat you have ever seen, and he will tumble you over and over, and chase you up and down and around, but he will run away when you turn and hiss, and he will cry piteously if he feels your sharp teeth. He will love you, my beloved, and he will follow you and watch your grace and your destructiveness with equal delight. Beware, my beloved, because he will watch your dance, and copy it, but he has not your grace, and the end of his destructive dance will be placed at your door!

Will we be happy, Mother?

Yes, my children, you will be happy before long. Remember that the time of trials is not so great and if you have courage and cunning you will outwit the oldest cat, win the heart of the Queen, make a slave of the Prince and, if you are lucky, earn the indifference of the other subjects of the Queen.

Will you always love us, Mother?

No, my beloved, in time I shall tire of your sharp teeth and your endless play, and I will long for the quiet time, when I can sleep and eat, and have no more worries.

Will we miss you, Mother?

No, my beloved, you will long for space and new lands, and the things that will be your own, not shared with your brothers. And you will long for the love of the Prince and the approval of the Queen. And before long, you will not remember me, or this land any longer.

We will always love you, Mother, and remember your lessons...But Mother, what of the lands where there are no other cats?

Ah, my beloved, that is a story for another night! Now snuggle down and suckle while you can, and dream of the new countries.




What month was your cat born in? How closely does the following description come to the month of your cat's birth?


The intuitive January cat can be a loyal and trustworthy companion.

February cats are delightful, gentle creatures with an almost psychic intuitiveness and understanding.

The March cat is peace-loving and gentle and may seem to be in a world of his own for much of the time.

The April cat bursts with vitality and curiosity and therefore may be difficult to get in at night.

The May cat loves his home and his food; the ideal pet for the loyal cat lover.

The June cat is energetic and intelligent, interested in everything and everyone, he hates being shut in.

The July cat thrives on affection and repays it generously. It makes an excellent parent and devoted pet.

August's cat is bold and proud with a big heart, and makes a loyal and generous companion.

September's cat is fastidiously clean and hygienic, and is not averse to its own company - the classic cat.

October's cat loves the finer things in life like soft cushions, gentle music and constant shows of affection.

November's cat is deeply emotional and should be treated with great care if harmony is to be established.

The December cat is a happy-go-lucky puss that will prove a diligent mouser and entertaining character.



Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run


1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.

2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.

After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.

3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing.

For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle.

When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here."

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

4. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:

A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.

B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a news paper, claw at it until shredded. Your human will appreciate a home-made toy!

C. For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles or split yarn. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

5. PLAY: It is important. Get enough sleep in the day time so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-o-the-hill on their bed between 2am and 4am.

MOST IMPORTANT: Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.



Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction: A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.


A Cat's Guide To Human Beings


1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans? So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. What's so great about humans anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:


Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

2. How And When to Get Your Human's Attention. Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping. Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice. Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:

Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away.

Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.

Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

3. Punishing Your Human Being: Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:

* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.

* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.

* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.

* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.

* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive? The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.

After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.

5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human? You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.




By Nikita el Gato

Human beings are large, clumsy animals with extremely poor night vision that make a lot of noise. However, they live in weather-proof homes, and are easily trained.

CHOOSING YOUR HUMAN: Humans don't realize this, but we choose which humans to live with, and which ones to avoid. Avoid humans who start sneezing when we get close. They are allergic to us. Also avoid ones that try and kick us. A good human will bend down and reach out to scratch an ear and start saying something stupid like "nice kitty kitty." The trick is to get inside the human's home to see if they have a suitable environment for one of our superior species.

GETTING CARRIED AROUND: While walking to one's destination is preferable, it is nevertheless fun to be picked up and carried around by a human, because this provides a much loftier view of things. Female humans are more likely to pick you up. They will try and scratch your belly, so arch your back and they will reach under you. For some reason, most humans instinctively pick us up at that point.

GETTING FED ON TIME: Humans are somewhat erratic in their eating habits, but this must not be allowed to conflict with our getting fed exactly on time every day. Pick a time, usually at 5 in the morning, and insist on being fed. Vocalize your hunger, and if necessary, wake the human up. Initially, the human will throw you outside, thinking you've received a call from Nature. But in a week or two they will catch on and get the food out on time.

GETTING THE RIGHT FOOD: Unfortunately modern humans are inept at hunting, thus they purchase all their food. Generally, they buy things in cans, bags or boxes to feed us. They should eat this stuff. As long as you have an adequate supply of naturally obtained food (i.e. tasty little mice) the appropriate training regime is to walk up to the bowl of this awful processed food, sniff at it, walk around the bowl a few times, and then decamp to your favorite perch for a nice little nap. A few days of this, and the human begins to feel guilty about you starving. Eventually they will produce something moderately edible. If, by chance, something really good turns up, make sure you let the human know this is preferred to the dry crunchy stuff.

NAPPING SITES: Human dwellings are just full of nice little places to nap, such as window sills, the tops of dressers, inside closets, under couches, whatever. Many of these places, however, will initially be places the human thinks they have control over. You must disabuse them of this territoriality as soon as possible. Typically, if the human finds you in a place they think is theirs, they will grab you and toss you. An exciting moment of flying through the air. Go back. After a while the human will mutter "stupid kitty," and leave you alone.

OTHER CATS: Some humans are excessively fond of our companionship, and thus attempt to bring more than one of us into their home. Remember, first one inside is king (or queen). Humans don't like the sound of our displeasure being voiced at an intruder, but they will rarely do anything about it. It is nice to have a few companions around, provided the human increases the food supply.

THE LITTER BOX: Most humans are fairly conscientious about cleaning out the litter box with adequate frequency. However, some humans will accidentally lock us in a room, or forget to clean the litter box often enough. We all know what we do to the human on that occasion, don't we?

GIFTS: Humans don't think they are animals, so they don't understand gifts. Don't bother. Keep the mouse for yourself.

EXPRESSING AFFECTION: The deal is we get a free place to live that is dry and warm, and adequate food, in exchange for once in a while recognizing the human exists and letting it touch us. Humans like to hear us purr, because they think that is our way of saying we're happy. They have no idea. Don't get too stand-off-ish as the human will not understand, and become anxious. A calm human is a reliable human when it comes to dinner.

NAMING: Humans immediately give us stupid little names. If you don't like the name, act deaf. Once they pick a name you like, then respond. If the human is really nice to you, and understands our language, then tell them your true name.

CONCLUSION: Humans are much easier to train, then, for example, their stupid dogs.


Cat Etiquette

  • Determine quickly which guests hates cats, or are allergic. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much better.
  • Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
  • Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during cold weather or mosquito season.
  • For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being moved for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
  • For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
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    Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those of us who have never had any success dieting. Well, now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans!!! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps ­ most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!


    Breakfast: Open a can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than $.75 per can. Place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food -- look around the room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

    Lunch: 4 blades of grass and 1 lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

    Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave it to die.

    Bedtime snack: Steal a green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around on the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.


    Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa, knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

    Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party coming up on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

    Afternoon Snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

    Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from the kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.


    Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

    Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with it on top of your expensive down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured, but not dead, before you abandon it for someone else to deal with.

    Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take 3 licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.


    Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw up the bugs and all of the water on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

    Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse/partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon it.

    Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny -- like chicken and giblets in gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.


    How To Bathe A Cat

    (Note: Jeffery LaCroix is a veterinarian with an office in Wilmington. He writes a column for the Morning Star called "From Paws to Tails." Here is his response to a letter regarding bathing a cat:)

    Dear Dr. LaCroix: I've heard that cats never have to be bathed, and that they have some sort of special enzyme in their saliva that keeps them clean. This doesn't sound believable to me because there are definite "kitty" odors on my couch and dirty cat paw prints on our white hearth. Is this true about the saliva? If we do decide to give "Nice Kitty" a bath, how do we do that? - NSP, Wilmington

    Dear NSP: Fortunately for you, several years ago a client gave me a written set of instructions about cat bathing which I am privileged to share with you:

    Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

    A. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

    B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

    C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

    D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

    E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

    F. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.

    You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

    In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you.

    He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

    You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case.

    As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

    But at least now he smells a lot better.



    1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

    2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

    3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

    4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids(you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

    CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any surface they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

    5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

    6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

    7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

    8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.


    Sincerely, The Dog





    Good Afternoon. My name is Cathy and I AM a cataholic. I would like to welcome all of you to today's meeting of "Cataholics Anonymous."

    Some of you are here today because a friend or relative brought you here. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and that you really don't need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a cataholic and it is even harder to bring yourself to a CA meeting for help. CA is here to assist you.

    I have some questions to ask. If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place.

  • Do you have more than one car? One for you and one for the cats?
  • Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
  • Is your interior decorator Foster and Smith?
  • Are your end tables really cat carriers with tablecloths thrown over them?
  • Is your mail made up primarily of cat catalogs, cat magazines and show flyers?
  • If you do have dresses, are they all washable?
  • Do you remember the name of their cat sooner than you remember their name?

    If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope.

    If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble.

    If you answered YES to three or more, you have come to the right place.

    My advice to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you and know that your life will always be filled with good friends, good cats and it will NEVER be boring.


    Cat Commandments

  • Thou shall not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
  • Thou shall not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou art not transparent.
  • Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
  • Thou shall not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.
  • Thou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
  • Thou shall not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
  • Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
  • Thou shall not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
  • Thou shall show remorse when being scolded.
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    A Cat Owner's Prayer


    Because I'm only human,
    it's sometimes hard to be
    The wise, all-knowing creature
    that my cat expects of me.

    And so I pray for special help
    to somehow understand
    The subtle implications
    of each proud meowed command.

    Oh, let me not forget
    that chairs were put on earth to shred,
    And what I like to call a lap
    is actually a bed...

    I know it's really lots to ask,
    but please, oh please, take pity,
    And though I'm only human,
    make me worthy of my Kitty!

    ~Author Unknown



    Creation of the Cat

    On the first day of creation,
    God created the cat.

    On the second day,
    God created man to serve the cat.

    On the third,
    God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.

    On the fourth day,
    God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.

    On the fifth day,
    God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.

    On the sixth day,
    God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.

    On the seventh day,
    God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litter box.

    ~Canadian Cat Fanciers


    What a kitten can teach you

    A kitten teaches you:

    how to communicate -- talk slowly and quietly, don't talk loudly or sharply or she'll run away.

    how to rediscover the joy in little things -- even things so small that humans can't see them.

    how to find unsafe stuff in your house

    that lasting relationships are built slowly

    how to rediscover the sheer joy of living

    that running is good exercise, as long as you stop before you hit the wall

    persistence -- if you can't do something one way, try another way

    love conquers all -- when a kitten looks at you with those love-filled eyes, how can you say "no"

    successful negotiation -- if a kitten stays under the bed long enough, you'll offer it their favourite treat. Also comes under the heading of bribery or enticing a minor...



    What all cats know about living the good life...


    Act nonchalant
    Be comfortable
    Control yourself
    Fake what you don't know
    Grab at passing opportunities
    Have moments of wild abandon
    Ignore the ignorant
    Jog in your sleep
    Knead people
    Let it all hang out
    Make friends with your neighbors
    Nap often
    Overstep boundaries
    Play with your food
    Quit while you're winning
    Return to your favorite places
    See things others don't
    Take your time
    Understand human limitations
    View things from more than one perspective
    Wait at least 60 seconds before responding
    X-pect only the best
    Yawn and stretch at regular intervals
    ZZZZZ in the sunshine.




    1. Stray cats will not be fed.

    2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.

    3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.

    4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

    5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.

    6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.

    7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

    8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.

    9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.

    10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".

    11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

    12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.

    13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.

    14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.

    15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.

    16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.

    17. Stray cats will sleep outside.

    18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

    19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.

    20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.

    21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.

    22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.

    23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.

    24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.

    25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.

    26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.

    27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

    28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier' puyykmm4hbdm9lo9j USING IT.



    1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



    How to Photograph a New Kitten


    1. Remove film from box and load camera.

    2. Remove film box from kitten's mouth and throw in trash.

    3. Remove kitten from trash, brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

    4. Choose a suitable background for photo.

    5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.

    6. Find kitten and take dirty sock from mouth.

    7. Place kitten in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

    8. Forget about spot and crawl after kitten on knees.

    9. Focus with one hand and fend off kitten with other hand.

    10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

    11. Put dog outside, put peroxide on the scratch on kitten's nose.

    12. Put magazines back on coffee table.

    13. Try to get kitten's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

    14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

    15. Jump up in time to grab kitten by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"

    16. Clean up mess.

    17. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach kitten to "fetch" soon.




    Memo to: The Cats

    From: Your Mom ("Provider of All Good Things")

    Subject: New Corporate Policy on the Use of Toileting Facilities

    Date: 17 Sep 2000

    A good attempt deserves an honest reply. Please scroll down to view our position statements point by point.


    Please be advised of an upgrade to your toileting equipment. There are now SIX litterboxes for the THREE of you. This should relieve some of the crowding and decisionmaking problems associated with having ONLY FIVE boxes for THREE cats available.

    Free choice is an important issue here. While we appreciate the additional litter box, we still will uphold our inalienable rights in this matter. If Fluffy has used one of the boxes, Slinky has the right to protest, as whatever box Fluffy has used, that is the one that Slinky wished to use, but, of course, cannot use since Fluffy has placed her signature upon said litter box. Slinky's uttered response can be found in the usual places.

    Although this new addition took place yesterday, apparently at least one of you has not noticed. Please NOTICE the addition. Take a moment to review previous corporate policy reminding you that only APPROVED (by me) and DESIGNATED (by me) facilities are to be used as toileting areas. Now that each of you has two boxes available, this should put to rest some of the past "difficulties" and enable you to more easily conduct this important business

    Excuse us, please. Current labor/management policies and procedures have been unfair and inappropriate since the incorporation of this entity. We feel that we have not been given a voice in the determination of feline toiletary policies, so therefore, your approvalof said policies will not be acknowledged by the feline division. Haven't you yet wondered why we join you when you use your excessively priced, elevated litterbox, known also as the throne? It is in protest, dear Lady. Please refer to our additional comments in the structure you call the shower.

    While adhering to the following standard guidelines: No one should assume that all filler in a litterbox will be replaced each and every time a box is used. Sifting and replenishing will be conducted upon my waking in the morning and returning from work in the evening.

    Although upper level management appears to think that this is fair, it is because ULM has no idea what it is like to have to return to an unflushed litter box since, of course, the throne has a flushing mechanism. How would you like it if we shredded out the soiled sections of your toilet paper and reserved the rest for you to use later? Please see demonstration of said procedure in the vacinity of the "throne".

    Although you may choose your favorite boxes as "your own" you are not to prohibit any of your "colleagues" from using "your" facilities or in any way harass them while they are using a box. On occasion, I may wish to use one of the boxes myself and will expect full accommodation on your part.

    Again, this is another blatant demonstration of Upper Level Management elitism. You have claimed your own litter box as your own and even cover it up with a thing called a lid after you have used it to ensure that the peons of this corporation will be unable to do use it when you are gone. Yet, you think that you are entitled to reserve the right to use the common employees facilities at your whim. See additional opinion on this one by the front door next time you come home from work.

    We are transferring to pine litter. This is a done deal, and now after a transition period of SIX MONTHS you are expected to accept this as a fact of life. Those of you (and you know who you are) who have been leaving various "protest signs" in strategic locations, are to end this immediately.

    This move to pine is because of your inconsiderate use of the clumping litter to practice your bowling techniques throughout the basement den. Also, our foray into the regular clay litter meant you were coming to bed--in my bed--with the clay sticking to every bit of your nose. Not only was this unhygienic, it certainly did not give any of you the appearance of an $800 cat. If you are thinking I'm doing this as a vast Greenpeace conspiracy, get over it.

    Again, Upper Level Management is attempting to throw us off with circumlocution. It does not escape our attention that ULM has sole access to facilities that replicate European Royalty, being known as a throne. We serfs are expected to utilize discarded forest products. But, we will grant you this one, we are no longer expected to utilize dried out dirt, which makes our offerings fall under the category of scum of the earth. Of course, in the spirit of cooperation, please view our offerings in your potted plants, where nicer "dirt" is available to us.

    When we go to shows, the sandbox is there to use as intended. It is not there for you to take your naps in--that's what the extremely expensive "Fuzzy Sack" is there for. Do not wait to get home and make a mad dash for the boxes. When you hold it in at the show, you look like you are going to explode and your eyes start to cross. Worse yet, you start to fart.

    Here we see the typical attitudes of Upper Level Management that do not take into consideration how this corporation is really run. #1-You sit and read on the throne because no one will bother you there. We have learned well by your example. Likewise, by napping in the litter box, we are certain that no one would dare to try to find us there. We prefer napping to reading. #2-By prudently guarding the litter box, we are keeping it safe from the trespasses of all the other strange felines at the shows. #3-YOU would never dream of using the facilities in public, neither would we!! Again, we are just following the examples set by Upper Level Management. BTW... We thought you were the one who farted!!! #4-To gather additional information on this subject, please refer to our additional treatise that we have left for you on the newly cleaned and folded "cage covers".

    To my Abyssinian: It is perfectly acceptable that you twirl around at least five times in a box before furiously digging a hole, but you are not required nor should you feel compelled, to throw the litter ten feet in every direction. It would also be preferable if you actually use that same litter box where you've dug rather than jumping into a neighboring box to actually do the deed and then not covering it up. This style is not very becoming, nor does it make you look terribly smart. Additionally, it does not score any bonus points for your breed.

    Upper Level Management demonstrates little regard for time honored traditions. This is abhorrent and will be disregarded by myself, as it shows intolerance of personal traditional freedoms and values. Please check the vicinity litterbox number Four. -Abby

    To my Bengal: Simply making sure you've covered what you've left is enough. You do NOT need to build pyramids. While I realize there is a distant cultural and ethnic connection here to that ancient Egyptian architectural style, now that we have reached a new millennium, please allow the connection to become more distant still. I would welcome you bringing the height of your creations down to the more manageable level of speed bumps.

    This policy goes against cultural customs and will be disregarded as per its racist views. Please check the new little speed bump I left for you by your desk. -The Bengal.

    To my 15-year old full blooded Generic: Please do not deposit your various mouse, cricket, or cicada victims in the litter boxes. Killed or mangled bodies should merely be left out on the utility room floor right by the door. I promise they will be noticed and proper praise and acknowledgment will be forthcoming.

    Upper Level Management appears to not understand that burial is required for expired lower life forms. Upper Level Management has never demonstrated the honoring of this tradition and therefore this policy is not to be honored. Please see submemo left for you by the kitchen garbage can. -the K.A.T

    Trust me. Your efforts in regards to an invitation a Teamster representative to visit this property will be rejected outright. It didn't work for the Poodles across the street, it ain't gonna fly here.

    Got you there, ULM! The Poodle called in the wrong organization. Heretofore, we will be known as the Mouseteers, Local #4. Our newest calling card can be found on your pillow.


    The Cats. Mouseteers, Local #4




    A Cat's Little Prayer


    Now I lay me down to sleep,
    I pray this cushy life to keep.

    I pray for toys that look like mice,
    And sofa cushions, soft and nice.

    I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
    And someone nice to scratch my back,

    For windowsills all warm and bright,
    For shadows to explore at night.

    I pray I'll always stay real cool
    And keep the secret feline rule

    To NEVER tell a human that
    The world is really ruled by CATS!

    - Author Unknown




    MYTH: Cats eyes shine at night because they are casting out the light they gather during the day.
    TRUTH: Total bunk! How can I gather daylight when I'm sleeping all day?

    MYTH: Stepping over a cat brings bad luck.
    TRUTH: It's worse than that. It exposes your most vulnerable parts if you miss and step on me.

    MYTH: Cats always land on their feet.
    TRUTH: Oh yeah? Then how'd I get these lumps on my head?

    MYTH: When a cat's whiskers droop, it's going to rain.
    TRUTH: When my whiskers droop, it means it's already raining and I'm wet.

    MYTH: Cats suck the breath from babies.
    TRUTH: I don't 'suck the breath.' I enjoy baby breath as much as humans do. If you had a choice between a baby's breath and the your owner's breath, which would you choose?

    MYTH: To keep a cat from straying, put butter on its paws.
    TRUTH: I won't stray because no one's here to open the door. Just try putting butter on my paws. Do you really want to spend several hours in the emergency room?

    MYTH: If a cat sneezes near a bride on her wedding day she will have a happy marriage.
    TRUTH: It seems that 4 out of 5 marriages end in divorce, so there can't be a lot of sneezing going on. Maybe you ought to rewrite that one and make it 'coughs hairballs.'

    MYTH: A cat has nine lives.
    TRUTH: Well, okay, this one's true! I have one can of it right here in front of me and I know there's at least two more four-packs behind that cabinet door. But it's not the brand of choice for all cats, though.





    Curiosity never killed anything, except maybe a few hours.
    Variety is the spice of life: one day ignore people, the next day annoy them.
    Climb your way to the top, that's why the drapes are there.
    If you're not receiving enough attention, try knocking over some very expensive antique lamps.
    When eating out, think nothing of sending back your meal twenty or thirty times.
    When in doubt, cop an attitude.
    Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
    Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face.
    Find your place in the sun, especially if it happens to be on that nice pile of warm, clean laundry.
    Always give generously-a small bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".
    When you go out in the world, remember: that being place on a pedestal is a right, not a privilege!




    I am cat
    cat I am.
    I will not eat
    My pill with ham.
    I will not take it with a mouse,
    I will not take it in a house,
    I will not take it don't you see,
    I will not take it, Cat is me!
    I will not take it in the yard,
    I will not take it in the car,
    I will not take this pill you fool,
    I will not take it in a pool,
    I'll no more take this pill than ye
    Would choose a store to take a P**
    I will not take it if you plead,
    I will not take it when you bleed.
    I will not take it when you beg,
    I will not take it with a keg.
    I'll nae take it naer ye try,
    I'll just flick it in yer eye.
    I won't eat it, try again.
    Won't eat it when yer on a cane.
    Won't even take it when ye die,
    No matter how ye try and try.
    I will not eat it thank ye ma'am

    I am a cat - I am I am!


    Cat Translations!

     miaowbu  Feed me.
     meeow  Pet me.
     mrooww  I love you.
     Miioo-oo-oo  I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.
     mrow  I feel like making noise.
     rrrow-mawww  Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.
     rrow-miawwwr  I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.
     miaowmiaow  Play with me.
     Miaowmioaw  Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?
     mioawmioaw  Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.
     raowwwww  I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.
     mrowwwww  I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.
     Roww-maww-roww  I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.
     gakk-ak-ak  My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.
     mow  Snuggling is a good idea.
     moww  Shedding is pretty good, too.
     mowww!  I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
     Miaow! Miaow!   I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.
     Mraakk!  Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
     ssssRoww!   I believe that I have found a woodchuck or similar animal.
     mmmrowmmm   It is certain that the best tasting fish is one you have caught yourself.
     mmmmmmm  If I sit in the sunshine for another hour or so, I think I shall be satisfied.
     Mreoaw  Please ask room service to send up another can of tunafish.
     Mreeeow  Do you serve catnip with that?
      mroow  I have forced my body into a tiny space in order to look cute. How'm I doin?
     Miaooww! Mriaow!  Since you are using the can opener, I am certain that you understand the value of a well-fed and pampered cat. Please continue.